Comfortable…

Number twenty-six on my prayer list read:

Our leaders in politics and the church. I pray that the ones who stand up in the name of Jesus would be for you. God I pray for Christians all over the world. I pray that we would be bold! Rise up and be unashamed of the gospel. I pray that we will practice self-control and set an example Lord. We must try with all our heart to live according to the Word. I pray that we will be a living example of God’s Word to others. Lord, please remind us that we are all sinners, and saved only by grace through faith.

This was one of my 40 prayers written two months ago. It is crazy how satan is able to manipulate me. I got way too comfortable. I told myself that if I can remain all-in after my first-born love was taken, nothing else could stop me… I can honestly say that up until a couple days ago, I couldn’t fix my mouth to pray that prayer. In such a short amount of time satan was able to rob me of my joy and make me feel hopeless.

I got comfortable…

Instead of really dealing with the loss of my son, I just put other things in his place. If I stop and analyze the situation, I am looking to other things to fill every void I have from Isaiah leaving. I am constantly looking for validation. God said it is not good for a man to be alone. However, when man falls short, and he always will, we are left broken hearted. That is why it is better to rely on God to supply all your needs. Not fleeting things of this world.

Isaiah opened my door, made me feel beautiful, and checked on me all the time when he was away. He made me feel like I was the exception. To be blunt, I may look like I have this grief under control, but I don’t. As a matter of fact I’m further from my healing now than I was in the beginning. I made myself vulnerable and open to the attack of the enemy. When I set my sights on the things of this earth I lost sight of Him. These past few months have been such a struggle for me. I have been selfish and disconnected. Some of you are reading this and are oblivious to the fact that I have been struggling. To be honest, the thoughts in my head sometimes keep me awake at night while the rest of the world sleeps. I have just been going through the motions, and it is exhausting.

Where is God in all this? I felt like He wasn’t talking to me anymore, or was He speaking and I was just so wrapped up in my own selfish sin that I wasn’t hearing Him? I am pretty sure it is the latter. Sin separates us from the Father but never from His unending love. I was feeling like He had deserted me. Satan manipulated and used the fact that I wasn’t hearing God as an advantage to sink me deeper into my depression. Satan likes dark isolated places like depression.

I fought what I was feeling daily, but at the end of each day I felt like I had lost the battle.

Tonight, things changed for me. God was very clear with me that HE IS NOT DONE WITH ME.

I was invited by my friend Denise’s daughter to attend the premier of a movie called “Listen”. I was not prepared for how raw, real, painful and inspiring this movie would be for me. I was weeping 30 minutes into the movie. I don’t want to go into too much detail about the movie (because I pray you are going to see it for yourself)… it is about bullying, and parent’s lack of attention towards their children. It gave many different examples of what our children have to face on a daily basis. What I loved most is that it showed that hate, ignorance and neglect are not prejudice. These things occupy all of us, in one-way or another. These stories are not fiction.

Isaiah was bullied continuously for being different. Isaiah was a beautiful soul that marched to the beat of his God’s drum. Isaiah cared more about what God thought of him than man. I knew about the bullying, but Isaiah often sugar coated it so I wouldn’t worry. Isaiah was a big boy and liked to handle these bullies with love, prayer and jokes. The part that breaks my heart is that I will not have another chance to listen to Isaiah. I can’t get those years back! It wasn’t until he died that people, including me, actually listened. My son was singing songs from the Heavens. With the sweet words he spoke came love, empathy and compassion. And in return he was judged, teased and pushed to the side.

It is too late for me to work less and give Isaiah my undivided attention, but it isn’t too late to do so with the children that are still here. Not just my own, yours too!

I’m claiming my life, my thoughts, my intentions, my desires, my marriage, my family, and my ministry, all for His kingdom. I pray that I will live in such a way (in private and in secret) that is pleasing to him. I pray that I will not just have light within me but that I would allow it to shine out. I pray that I would not just have water springing up within me but that I would have rivers of living water flowing out of me. I am praying for me to be taken further in my relationship with Him than I could have ever imagined. I do believe He will also use my struggle to glorify Him.

Every single trial I have faced has blessed someone, somehow. I know it is hard to wrap your mind around trying to stop the inevitable. I am not asking you too. God has called each of us for a specific purpose. Each of us is a moving part to the body of Christ. We were not born to sit in the corner quietly waiting for the world to end. We were called to live this life to the fullest. If you change the life of one, mission accomplished.