Confirmation…

Well the funny thing about this is that I had a 1000 word blog written and accidentally deleted it right before I was going to post it. I am going to say that God wanted me to write something a little different. So I am just going Blah (as Matt would call it).

I wanted to take the time to be transparent with you. These last few days have been so unbearable. Unbearable to the point that I thought for a brief second that I would rather be dead than live without Isaiah for the rest of my life. Now we all know that this is not my personality nor is it God’s will but when you are depressed a darkness falls over you and it is extremely hard to get out of it. If you are reading this and struggle with this, you are not alone.

It all started when I received Isaiah’s death certificate. I believe there is some false information there that really screwed me up. It said Isaiah didn’t go to be with the Lord until after he reached the hospital. Laying on the bathroom floor to hide my tears from my husband and son my mind began to race…That would mean that he was scared! That would mean he was wondering where is my mom and dad in all this??? This would mean that he was in immense pain for a long time. This would also mean that I missed him alive by a min or two!! This brought on so many angry thoughts towards God. In that moment I asked God why is that a child so pure, sweet, loving kind and innocent should have to endure such pain?? Couldn’t he have done more for the kingdom down here? How are Shane and I supposed to live through this God? Really, how?

I finally got up enough sense to reach out to my prayer circle and the prayer and support began to flood in. Then in came Vinny, with his big smile and loving kisses. Ugh he just melted my heart. I was finally able to get off that bathroom floor.

Within the next 48 hours I received more confirmation than a person would need in a lifetime.

Confirmation…

I ran into the boy who bullied Isaiah and his mother. The way I felt when I saw him and his mother was not what I was expecting to feel. I wasn’t angry. I was happy to lay this to rest for them and my baby. That is what he prayed for all along. He came to me and told me that Isaiah as the nicest kid in the world and that his death made him feel bad, He told me he was trying to start over. We were also able to get down to the root of the problem. He was a bully because he used to get bullied. Makes sense to me. You have two choices as a kid (so they think) be a bully or get bullied. It is so sad that the third option is very seldom mentioned and that is to be an Isaiah :). I let him know that Isaiah prayed for him every night that he would come to know that lord and stop being mean to him. I knew Isaiah was smiling down from heaven at that moment.

This kind of thing happened what felt like every minute. Confirmation, confirmation, confirmation. My therapist ( the best therapist ever) actually came into work an hour early just so that he could see me on a day I wasn’t scheduled. Our talk really helped me to unload all the stuff that was weighing me down. His biblical advice and kind words are always encouraging. I leave  feeling 100 times better. I think everyone should go to therapy. Christian therapy is recommended, not to be super religious just because in my opinion and experience it comes from a place of love and the want to help you improve without shoving pills down your throat. It is a safe place to be yourself without the fear of everyone knowing about it the next day, people judging you or impartial advice. Pray first!! Christians are still humans too. No one I mean no one is perfect.

Confirmation…

My day ended with the most amazing surprise. I get a note letting me know I have mail at the front office because it was too big to fit in my box. I anxiously headed that way. I knew I didn’t order anything, my birthday had just passed and I know it’s not Christmas so what could it be? The lady comes out with a long poster box. I was so excited I didn’t even wait to leave the office to open it. Inside was a breathtaking painting and a beautiful note straight from heaven. 

The note read:

Dear Erin,
My name is Malaysia, and I have been so blessed to paint a painting from heaven for you. My heart cries out with you for the loss of your son. This life is but a mist. And it is so important to know who God is and to have a relationship with him. I don’t know you at all, but I feel that you are a women of strength. You will not give up on life and on God. God has clothed you with a robe of strength and beauty. This is because he is your joy. My prayer is that God gives you a deeper revelation of his love for you and for all the world. He has a great purpose for all his children. Jeremiah 29:11-13
His plans are good. He is for you and not against you. He is faithful and true. He restores your soul. I pray that he gives you rest and peace as you sleep at night, because the Lord grant sleep to those he loves. Psalms 127:2.
You are his daughter and he loves you. Nothing you can do can separate you from his love.
I pray as you look at this painting God pours out his great love on you and your family. I declare that your heart and soul be restored and hope arises in you. God is with you and will never leave you. There is a scripture God is saying over you. It is Isaiah 43:13-Fear not, for i have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; you are mine. when you pass through the waters. i will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. when you walk through the fire. you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you. for i am the lord your god, the holy one of Israel, your savior.

I believe God and Isaiah are always with you. Jesus us your strength and hope. He is your stronghold and ever-present help when you need him. God bless you Erin! You and your family are always in my prayers. Blessings, Malaysia.

As you can see all the questions I was asking God on the dark night with all my rage and anger. He kindly responded one by one. God is not just a God of justice, he is very much a God of love. I am so unworthy, yet so blessed. I hope this finds you well and encourages you. Feel free to contact me with prayer requests or comment them below. God bless you all! If you have kids go hold them long and tight and tell them how amazing they are.