Face To Face, Spirit And Flesh….

On October 23 2014 my son’s life was taken. Not intentionally, but carelessly. A young man who I will not name, was late for an appointment and sped through the intersection on Arrow and Benson going about 55mph. We were unable to prove in our criminal case that he ran the red light, but we were able to prove that Isaiah had a green light. My son lost his life that day due to a series of unfortunate events. This type of thing happens daily. As a tragedy like this enters our lives, being the faulty humans we are, we need to have someone to blame, someone needs to pay. We ask, where is the justice? If I have learned nothing else from this, it is that our Heavenly Father is never late, never unjust, nor is he absent. 

The hardest part for me is accepting that the young man not only hit my son, but he then drove away leaving him to die alone in the street. Even as I write these words tears fall from my eyes. I found myself thinking that this kid was just  a selfish stoner that cared more for himself then the life of innocent children that surrounded the school that morning. These thoughts and feelings grew more and more daily (I gave satan a crack to creep through). I began to feel let down by the justice system. I let anger bitterness and self-pity grow from within me overnight. People began to tell me things like ”

I saw him out with his friends drinking and laughing like nothing ever happened” or “he was always a bad seed.” It didn’t help that he had two priors from behind the wheel of a car. Things just kept piling on me, one by one, like heavy bricks being laid across my chest, struggling to catch my breath.      

I Lost It…

Vinny and I were on the search for some super hero gear for the 5k race we were doing in honor of his brother Isaiah. I was already having a hard time being in the  shawn white section, where Isaiah and I would go often. I began to look at all the clothes and  put outfits together for Isaiah in my mind. I almost never went shopping without Isaiah. We rarely had money but we loved to go and talk about what we would come back and get once we got on our feet. He was the best shopping buddy. Never complained or asked for things, he made the best out of every situation. So with that being said you can understand the stress I was already under just being there. I was nowhere near ready for what came next. As I lift my head and glance across the aisle, what do I see? The man who took my baby’s life. He is not there alone he is there with his mom and daughter. His daughter reaching up to him started to laugh and pull on his shirt. He then, turning away from his cell phone just looks down and smiles. The pain that shot through my heart was unlike anything I ever felt. I was so angry, yet I wanted him to say something to me, anything. I felt as if he owed me that. I wanted to walk away, but I couldn’t I was in a trance. I then, stalker status like a zombie just followed them to the register. Why was I following them? What was I trying to accomplish? I have come to the conclusion that I was seeking some kind of closure. It had been 6 months since my son’s death and I had yet to hear one word from his mouth. There was so much uncertainty and confusion. He was laughing with his mother and then looked up to see me, standing there with tears streaming down my cheeks. His face immediately changed. He looked at me with fear in his eyes. I just stood there. Vinny began to call my name, I looked down to get him and when I looked up again they were gone. My heart was beating so fast and the tears were flowing from my eyes. Before I had the time to get myself together I was standing at the register. Vinny began to act out and put on a show for everyone inside of target because I didn’t have enough money to buy him the spider man hat he wanted. To put it in a few words, I lost it! I took Vinny kicking and screaming to the car, got him inside and just fell apart. I had to call my mom to help me calm down. From that day forward, I struggled like I had never struggled before.

Face To Face, Spirit And Flesh…

Ephesians 6:12 – For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.

Everyday we are faced with the harsh reality that humans do stupid things. Our flesh has an immediate reaction, to hate, hurt, seek revenge, get angry and make assumptions. I cannot stress this enough. WE DO NOT HAVE TO ACCEPT THIS! I fought these feelings day in and day out. Side note, satan loves to manipulate people and things. There can be a penny on the ground, give yourself a little gossip, assumptions and motive than bam! before you know it your 100% for sure it is a quarter. Our anger and rage permits us from seeing the truth. The truth that can only be found with soft hearts, open ears and open eyes. God had put it on my heart that I should reach out to the young man and try to hear his side of things. This was not premeditated, he didn’t want to hurt Isaiah. So for me to make the assumption that he didn’t care was completely unfair. So I very reluctantly asked the DA to make a meeting with the two of us happen. To my surprise he agreed, and the appointment was set for May 27th 2015.  I had asked my pastor and close friend to sit down with me to pray and to help me find the right words. I then realized I was making this meeting all about me and what I wanted and less about God and what he wanted. I know it was God working through me that this meeting happened so why wouldn’t I just relax and allow him to work through me during the meeting? Because I am a stubborn human made of flesh and pride.

Romans 8:5 – Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires.

The day had come so quick, as we sit waiting for the DA and his lawyer to talk things through the anxiety began to rush in. The DA’S assistant came and sat beside me. She has been heaven-sent from the beginning. She has a heart for our situation and is so genuine. She never left my side. During our conversation I made a quick glance towards the people exiting the elevator, It blew my mind to see the lawyer that helped me fight to keep Isaiah in my custody during all the battles with is father previously. It brought back so many memories of my son. I got up to go greet her and see how she was doing. It turned out she was there on another case. She was doing well. She looked great, she had already had two kids since our last meeting. I couldn’t believe it had been that long. She told me how sorry she was about Isaiah, she then asked me how the case was going. When I told her what they were charging the young man with she became very upset, she said out loud “are you F-ing kidding me?”. She was very sweet but was very dissatisfied at with the lack of justice. I walked away happy to have run into her, but also very angry. She was right, there was no justice, he killed my son and left him for dead and will be back home to se his daughter in no time. It just wasn’t right. I could feel satan creeping in trying to clutter my mind with anger and rage. 

The DA approached me after and asked that we speak in the conference room about what was going to happen next. The young man decided to plea out of trial. The charges the DA read to me was not what we had originally agreed with as a matter of fact it was 2 years less than what we had agreed on. Although the time was less the terms and conditions of his probation seemed just. I felt that they would help him better himself in the long run, not just for him but for his daughter. I felt like they would hold him accountable and would bring about change in this young man’s life. After all that’s what all this about right? To bring about change and to lead him to christ. Talk about confused, my flesh wanted one thing, while my spirit wanted something completely different. At this time I had become overwhelmed with emotion I just wanted it to be over. I agreed and signed.

Face To Face, Spirit And Flesh…

While I entered the courtroom I noticed he had several family members sitting there with him. This set me off a little, being that I was told these hearings are not for family. The judge called him forward and began to read him his rights, so on and so forth. The judge then told him that he was being charged with a hit and run causing INJURY. I wanted to throw up! “it wasn’t an injury, my son is dead!” The DA’s assistant and my husband tried to calm me.  Then judge then called out the sentence of one year doing half time of 6 months, my tummy began to turn, I felt like I was going to be sick. Already so angry, I was pissed off at the fact that his family began to cry after hearing the charge. I couldn’t help myself I loudly stated how frustrating it was to see them cry as my son will never be coming home. By this time I was done. I was physically, and emotionally just done. I didn’t want the meeting, I could care less at that moment, I just wanted to run and hide underneath the covers for the next 6 months. The DA’s assistant noticing my frustration and suggested I cancel the meeting. I was 2 seconds away from agreeing, then I felt this strong prompting in my spirit to just close my eyes, I just cried out to the lord. I asked him to help calm my spirit. I prayed that he would allow me to see things through his eyes and not my own. I prayed that he would lead me in the direction he would have me go. I began to cry crocodile tears. It was so cleansing. I knew instantly that the meeting was God’s wish. I was nowhere near prepared for what happened next.

I apologize for the delay in this blog. I have been promising many of you the outcome but have been struggling emotionally to get this out. I also try to do nothing that I do not get a clearing from God on. I know that sounds strange for some of you, and I apologize for that also. I will be continuing on the second part of this and hope to have it out by tomorrow. God bless you all. I pray that this finds you well. I can’t thank you enough for all your support through this journey. This is just the beginning of something beautiful. If you have followed me this long, I have a feeling you will want to be a part of whats coming next. God is going to use us in ways we never could have imagined.