I’m Not The Only One Hurting…

Here we are eight months after Isaiah’s death. The shock has worn off, people have returned to their own live (how dare they) and we are faced with the harsh reality that our baby will never return to this earth. I’m learning that I am not the only one going through this pain. Even though at times I feel as if I am. Everyone that had the chance to know him, or even just see his smile or his compassionate heart has been affected.

Now that the fog has lifted we can truly see the damage that the storm of Isaiah’s death has left behind. Vinny is a completely different kid. Joshy struggles when it is time to come visit here now. I am learning that his favorite part of this house is now in heaven.

I’m Not The Only One Hurting…

Imagine can’t being 4 and losing my best friend. Not just a best friend you see on school days, or someone you have sleepover with. I mean the best friend that slept above you in the bunk beds every night, got you cereal every morning, the last person you talked to at night, and the first person you spoke to in the am. Vinny expressed to me the other day that Isaiah always made him happy. He said Isaiah would play any game with him that he wanted. He said he made him laugh so hard. To Vinny Isaiah was his world. Now Vinny often wakes up alone, watches tv alone, plays toys alone and talks to himself. As I am writing this I am feeling like a I would love more than anything to be a stay at home mom and be his around the clock bff. But that is not the reality of our situation. 

Imagine being 7 and realizing that the part of your dad’s house that you were so anxious to be around is no longer there? Imagine being 7 and having to go back and forth between your parents and siblings?  I am sure it can be a little overwhelming at times. Now take away your best friend. The one that lifted your spirits, taught you things, played with you, and was always cool. Since Joshy was one years old, Isaiah was there. Joshua has an amazing family on both ends that lift him up and teach him the way. He is smart and loves Jesus so he has a better understanding of what has happened. He knows where Isaiah is, and knows he will see him again. Does that stop the pain?

How can I help them when I am broken? Vince (my husband) with tears in his eyes, said  “stop worrying about yourself and focus on our kids.” If you know me personally you know that I appreciate the straight up approach. I am not offended by this, as a matter of fact it is the truth. I have been selfish. While you see my social media accounts and read my blog you have this amazing view of who I am (on a good day). This is because I try to fix things by swallowing the pain and speaking the positive. The positive I speak of is the goal, it is not always my reality.

Is this grief or intentional disobedience? Well, I have to sit back and ask myself. Has my behavior dramatically changed since Isaiah left us? To that I would have to say Hell yes! I have been on an emotional roller coaster. I have a desire permeate this world in the name of Jesus… I want to change the world but struggle to change my household ha! Does this mean I should just give up then? No! This means I need to fight harder! He has allowed me to open my eyes so that I can make the necessary changes in my life to be a Proverbs 31 women. When I step outside myself, put aside my feelings of grief and sadness and focus on theirs, I can look into my boys eyes and really see their pain.  I can see how lost and scared they are at times. They act out sometimes because they don’t know what else to do. I mean how would I act at their age? Can they really grasp the concept of heaven?

So what have I learned?  In every trial there is a lesson. I feel like God has shown me that all the beautiful things Isaiah brought to this home can still be. It is up to us to adapt those good qualities that Isaiah shared, and continue to share those with each other. Continue to allow God to work through and with us. By grieving with grace. We cannot stop the pain at times, we struggle to find the words, and sometimes we may even lash out. But we know that if God is for us who can be against us. We know and believe that our heavenly father won’t give us more than we can handle. We believe that when two or more are gathered together he is with us. So as a family we will trust in him, keep him first and hold tight to the promises. We will see Isaiah again and until then we will fight to bring as many people with us to heaven as we can. 

Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.