Painful Lessons…

Today being my day off, and me exhausted I was sure that I would still be sleeping. But God or satan (still figuring it out) had different plans. This past week has been a serious battle of the mind. During the day I fight my flesh, at night while I try to rest, I fight in my dreams. The worst part is that It doesn’t look, or feel like a dream. It feels so real that I wake up, and stay up. I cry, cry and cry some more. It feels like I am being struck in the heart with a dull knife repeatedly. I am shaking from the pain.
This morning carried the worst dream I have ever felt….

My son dies AGAIN this am.

I am watching the news to find a story of the mom who hasn’t learned his lesson. They talked about Isaiah and how he was struck by a car (this time intentionally) and thrown into the ocean. I am screaming in pain and guilt, but this time also filled with rage and hate. It seemed as though I had got Isaiah back for only a few years. I do not know this by the time we spent together in my dream, because we didn’t spend any time, I didn’t even get to see him face to face. I only got a glimpse on the tv, and on his obituary. Those pictures represented an older high school version of Isaiah. The tv showed the entire high school on their face in tears. It broke my heart knowing my son was alive again and made it to high school just to die again. I started scrambling, going from person to person begging for help, to find the man who had done this to my son. I found out where the man lived and headed to his house with no hesitation, filled with hate and revenge. As I approached him he was surrounded by family (evil people) protecting him. He was some kind of king to these people. He was above the law, and worshiped by them. This worst part is some of my close friends were there with him also. He whispered the truth in my ear. He told me that he killed Isaiah because he was walking to slow (he had is guard down) . I tried to hurt him but something held me back. I mean literally, I could hit anyone and everything around him but could never touch him. Everyone around him looked at me with disgust. I screamed and asked them why they were protecting this murderer. They responded saying that It was an accident, Isaiah walked on a red light, almost as if he was committing suicide. I fought until I was exhausted with not one successful blow to this man. I remember so clearly that I wanted him to die, and that I wanted to be the one to kill him but my heart, God, something wouldn’t let me. I remember being given a choice to call my brother to have him take the man’s life or forgive and move on the best I could. I remember sitting there crying so hard I wanted to throw up. I couldn’t make a decision. Why was this time so different?  This time this was the end. In my heart I believed I was never going to see my son again, I was without faith. I was shaking with pain, fear and guilt I was finally able to wake myself still felling those feelings. Tears rolling down my face.

Painful Lessons…

My husband was kind enough to come along side of the bed. He held me and began to pray for me (which is not our usual). He had to leave for work right after the prayer. I knew that there was no way I could sleep. I am shaking, and living in a nightmare (literally) I can barely see the screen as I type this from all the tears.

Why am I being so transparent with all of you?
God has shown me something amazing. This is too amazing to keep to myself. You are probably thinking to yourself, how in the hell can this be amazing? That’s what I was thinking too.
Immediately after my husband left for work, I opened up my devotional to see if there was anything in there that could bring me peace, and this is what I found.

Wait with me for a while. I have much to tell you. You are walking along the path I have chosen for you. It is both a privileged and perilous way: experiencing my glorious presence and heralding that reality to others. Sometimes you feel presumptuous to be carrying out such an assignment.
Do not worry about what other people may think of you. The work I am doing in you is hidden at first. But eventually blossoms with burst forth, and abundant fruit will be borne. Stay on the path of life with me. Trust me wholeheartedly, letting my spirit fill you with joy and peace. – Jesus Calling by Sarah Young.

I love when God does that. He does it all the time! He answers me straight out and immediately. I feel so blessed 

Painful Lessons…

I feel like God is showing me that what Satan means for bad, God turns it around for good. Genesis 15:20. I think he is also showing me that Satan is a sneaky SOB and he came in to rob me and this world of such a beautiful light (Isaiah in my case) intentionally, but made it seem like an accident. God doesn’t want me to feel overwhelming guilt. Guilt was created by God to put out a call of action, if you will. Not to hold us in bondage. Hosea 5:15 .Those people sitting around him protecting him represented this fallen world, lost , confused and easily manipulated. My friends also being in that room represented a kiss from Judas. See we are all sinners, some with a heart for God and others a heart for themselves. Some of them come in like a wolf in sheep’s clothing to deceive. First they gain your trust only to then, distract you and get you off the path God has laid out for us. This time (in my dream) I reacted very differently than I did October 23. Maybe God is trying to show me what my situation would like had I not allowed him to work through me. Things could always be so much worse, and most often are response is the deciding factor.

So what I am walking away with this am is this…

God did not kill Isaiah, the evil of this world did. God simply welcomed his son Isaiah in with open arms. I am not saying that Jason is evil by any means. So please do not allow that to sit in your spirit. Jason is a young man who was lost and is now being found. Satan took advantage of his situation. I am saying that satan has us so busy, running late, frantic and worried about ourselves and not about the people around us.  That we hurt people, unintentionally and that is part of satan’s plan. He wants to plant seeds of bitterness, guilt, rage and anger deep inside.  We have to rise up accept these trials as these will one day be out testimony. God will take this horrible tragedy and save lives! Yes, there are days where I would rather die than live without Isaiah but that is to be expected. Isaiah was more than a son to me. He was literally the best part of me. God used him to mold me into the women I am today. I would be sick if I didn’t feel lost and broken without him. Even in our pain we have to respond like Job. God wouldn’t have allowed satan to tempt him if he didn’t have faith that he would stand tall. Even though he mourned, even though he cried, even though he lost everything, he remained faithful to God.

No matter what comes of this life I will remain faithful. I will look into these trials for the lesson. I know that I know, I will see my son again. I know that my flesh will not always align with my spirit and that is okay. I know that I am broken and that is okay. I will fail and that is okay. As long as I keep keeping on. I will remain in close proximity with our God, as he wants nothing more than to have a close relationship with us.

I’ll leave with this. If you are reading this it is not on accident. Please stop, pray and reflect before you do anything else. Right now I mean literally now, just stop for a second and take it all in, talk to God.

Dear God, please forgive me of all the sins I have committed known and unknown. Thank you for your son! Thank you for this life. I am grateful for all my temporary blessings like my children, house, my car and job. you said in John 2:17And this world is fading away, along with everything that people crave. But anyone who does what pleases God will live forever. I am holding tight to your promises. I want to be pleasing in your eyes lord. Thank you for this painful lesson. I know that it grows me stronger every day. I pray you would help maintain focused on you. I will try to hold loosely to these things on earth. I love you and I thank you for everything! In Jesus name, Amen.

#Isaiah6:8