Transparency…

Transparency isn’t easy but I know it’s best….

I went to a family wedding today. During the mother son dance boys to men “mama” came on. I couldn’t sit one more minute. I ran outside with tears streaming down my face. My best friend came running after me and she just held me and we cried. Many thoughts began to run through my mind…. If Isaiah were here he would be singing along with the song pointing at me. I then realized I would never dance with my baby at his wedding. Isaiah will never get married. Then I began to wonder what kind of women he would have married? Would he have had kids right away? What would they look like?

These thoughts and feelings got stronger and stronger. I was able to enjoy the rest of the wedding but as soon as I got into the car it hit me like a ton of bricks. Satan took advantage of my heavy grieving heart and I began to have visions of Isaiah’s broken body and sweet broken face laying lifeless on that hospital bed. As I write this the tears are falling. This is the worst pain anyone could ever feel. I cannot sugar coat this any longer. I have felt immense pain, sadness and anger. And yes, I have felt betrayed, let down, and totally confused by God.

Matthew 27:46-About the ninth hour Jesus cried out with a loud voice, saying, “ELI, ELI, LAMA SABACHTHANI?” that is, “MY GOD, MY GOD, WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?” 

… Even Jesus felt this at one time. 

 Transparency…

There is a flip side to this pain, and with that comes immense Joy and intimacy with my heavenly father. See God sometimes allows us to go through things so that we may cling closer to him. Losing Isaiah was the best thing that has ever happened to me spiritually. What?? That sounds crazy right… It’s not.

It made me seek out the answers I had surrounding my son’s death in God’s word, It caused me to fall on my face daily, weak and in full surrender. It helped me to open my eyes to the unseen. God has been so good to me during this time. He had someone there for me at every corner, hall way, back room and grocery store. It is mind-blowing the things we have been able to do. I just want to scream it out to everyone. Isaiah is safe! Isaiah is happy! Isaiah is free!!! and God has promised to watch over us and protect us with his right hand. I am living proof that this is the truth!

Isaiah 41:10-point be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand. This verse was given and or shared with me over 15 times since his passing. I have been blessed beyond measure. My cup runneth over. God is saying, I know, I care, you weep, I also weep.

John 11:35 When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled.

Transparency…

Living in this flesh is so hard. It is heavy and binding. That is why God wants me to operate in the supernatural.
When I operate in the flesh all I see is darkness and pain with few happy or positive thoughts. I see My love gone forever. When I operate in the spiritual I see Isaiah free, and where he always wanted to be. At the feet of Jesus for all eternity. Yes, I would have had more time with him but it is not about me.

I can now see God so CLEAR. I cannot believe I can complain. What if God didn’t help at all?! What if I had to find a way to do everything surrounding my sons burial with only my income? Could I have given him the proper burial? Would I have been able to move away from corner that took his life, so that I can begin to heal? Would I have been able to seek the therapy needed to get through this tragedy? Would I have been able to catch up on my bills with no job?! Oh man I can go on forever. I literally would have had no hope and no help.

God has been so good to us in this time. He has offered comfort to us on every level. Financially, spiritually, mentally and even physically. I have been surrounded by kind people with giving hearts. Offering prayer, support and love at all times of the nights.

So I say lets look up. Even in the trying times when are body’s become so crippled with pain that me fall to our knees, take every bit of strength you have to look to God. He will meet you right where you are. We must keep faith that God makes all things beautiful in his time.

Ecclesiastes 3:11- Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end.