Use This Mess…

Over the last few years I have been told the same thing by so many. Erin, God has a calling on your life bigger then you could imagine. You are going to write a book, you are going to speak to others just like yourself and encourage them. You have the gift of encouragement, love and compassion. You love His people and they love you. God is going to use you to finish what your son has started…

That all sounds amazing…

I was obedient, writing, dreaming, praying and creating. God was using it. I felt right where I should be.
Before I knew it… I was creating less and crying more. Confused, lost without a direction and overwhelmed to the point of full surrender. Life has won.

Use This Mess… 

I will spare you the truck driver language and details of all the hardships. Because the fact of the matter is, we all have hardships. One hit after another, combined with my lack of Jesus and me time led me to this conversation with God.
You must think I am some kind of super hero. I do not have time for my non-profit, chalkboard jobs, fellowship, or to volunteer at a church that is breaking my heart anyway. I just want to be normal!! No more dreams and visions. No more squirrely business. I am so tired. Maybe I should just do work, home, gym, repeat.

I can still get to heaven by hiding in the corner.

This smile… is just too much to muster up each day. I mean, God, really… They don’t understand me; they don’t see me and they sure as shit don’t hear me, so what is the point?

Do you know what it feels like to think you have missed the mark? It is just like what Erwin Mcmanntus shared…“I have only written 9 books” he says to the man who has never written one. The man responded with “that is a lot of books”. But, what he didn’t realize is that to the man who has been given direction to write 12, it feels like he has failed.

Use This Mess…

When guilt comes for me, there are no rules. It is dirty, raw and unforgiving. All day in my mind these thoughts replayed over and over. “How can you travel the world sharing Gods love, life and encouragement when you find it so difficult to do that very thing for your husband? How can you show how God has strengthened you when you don’t even know what to do with your grieving 6-year-old. Your lack of commitment to him has caused issues that you exhaust yourself trying to undo. The teachers confirm with the letters coming home that read words to describe your child’s behavior like “belligerent, grumpy, angry and disruptive.”

Can anyone feel me right now? Like… ouch.

I continued to play the role. I attended “church.” I prayed and remained “together.” Yet I still feel like I’m dying inside a little more each day.

“Nothing makes us feel so lonely, then our secrets.” – Paul Young.

Becoming more and more desperate for His presence and some sort of peace in my soul I reached out to a few people I could vibe with. Many things were shared that changed my perspective. It was time for me to be encouraged.
God never left me alone guys… Constantly sending people (strangers) my way to lift me up, love on me and straight up tell me how much God loves me. He did not beat around the bush. I lost count of how many patients I spoke to on the phone whom children also passed away. I was able to offer support and encouragement in a secular environment. Just by simply showing up. God did the rest. I have a friend that wanted nothing to do with God. She hated people and Him all together. She is a little difficult to be around at times but something about her drew me near. I loved her from the day I met her. I never pushed Jesus on her; that is not why I was there. She randomly sends me a message that basically read that because of me she has what she now knows as faith. She said that I came to Kaiser and changed her life! Like wait, what??? I haven’t done anything! If anything I feel the opposite. It is in these moments that god really shows me what it means to come as I am. That He will take the beautiful mess we are and use it to bless others. It was because I was messy, real and not a Bible thumping Christian that my friend felt safe with me. Now, this girl is quoting things like “Its harvest season and pray for this person and that person.” Ha!

See, God never left Elijah when he was acting a fool, sitting under a tree far from his home where he had no business. He fed and him and used him for everything he was and everything he failed to be.

I know that this is not the “…and she lived happily ever after” chapter.

This is simply God reminding you and I that He loves us. He always has… just as we are. He will meet us right in the middle. He wants us to stay in position. This is a daily task for us. If we do not feed out spirit we will not have the strength to stand. We will fall off track, mess up, but then His Grace and Mercy comes in to bring us back to our feet.