What Now…

Chest tight, hard to breath. The pain is so violent, I feel like my insides will erupt like a volcano. This pain is crippling. I said I loved you and 5 minutes later my love, my life, my rock, ripped from my life without any hesitation. A piece of me died that day. I will never be the same. Feeling like I have swallowed a foul pill, with the after taste that lingers. No matter how bright the sun, no matter how loud the laughter of my babies, the joy I once knew is gone.

Who am I? What is to become of me? I work with half a heart, am I still capable of amazing productivity? My source of strength, my reason for living has gone away, and now all I have is real life. I’m beginning to think I needed this kid more than he needed me. Did this beautiful soul really carry me through? 

I wonder how much of my marriage he carried. He opened my doors, made me lunches, prayed with and for me. He called me out when I was wrong and he encouraged me to be better. He held my hands and noticed the slightest difference in my lip stick shades. He made my lunch for work and took me out on dates. He pushed me to study God’s word daily and applied it to his daily life as a living example. What about my parenting? Isaiah saved his allowance to buy Vinny his first bouncy seat for the doorway at only 9 years old. Isaiah helped Vinny learn to use the potty. He taught Vinny how to love and care for others, to draw, to dance and how love to his mommy. I never once was left alone to carry the laundry to the laundry mat, or the groceries up the stairs. Isaiah went with me everywhere…to protect me and to love me. He came here to teach me about God’s love. To have that ripped away by the evil of this world tears my heart apart.

What Now?

Vinny is so sweet and cares for me. Thank God for him! He brings me joy. But even having my beautiful and loving son whom is so full of personality and compassion, right by my side, doesn’t take the hurt. I want to have a conversation with my first-born love Isaiah. I want to hold his little soft hands. I want to smell his skin, touch his hair and hear his laugh. I want to look into his eyes and hear him say that he loves me more than anything. He promised he would never leave me. He said that he was going to buy me a house and move down the street with his wife and kids so that we can always be close. I long for this more than I have ever longed for anything else. 
Could all that is lost ever be found? Will I ever love this way again? The answer is short and painful. No. The love I had for him was unlike any other. It cannot be duplicated nor replaced. I must stop looking, but why does my heart yearn for that love more than it wants anything else? Why is it that my heart and my soul are not lining up? Because a double minded man is unstable in all his ways. If I do not take my eyes of Isaiah’s death and put them on the father I walk through this heavy darkness without a flash light. Not able to see the beauty that has arisen from my sons ashes. God is moving in a way that I couldn’t even begin to explain. This despair and unspeakable pain has called me to draw near to him. But If I am not actively seeking him I will not find him. God lent me Isaiah because he knew I was going to make some very bad choices and walk very far away from Him. He knew that the only person on this planet that could bring me back was him. Isaiah was sent here to save my life, and impact yours in such a way that we would never be the same. His smile, bright spirit and kind words were always uplifting. I felt the God in him. I wanted what he had. Let me tell you what I think really happened…

I think satan orchestrated this attack from the very beginning. I think he thought if he could take my power source that I would surely die. I think God knew that If Isaiah lived through that horrific accident he would suffer. Not only would he suffer but I would more than ever before continue to put God on the back burner to be there for Isaiah. Isaiah was sent here for a purpose and in his short eleven years of life, he completed it. He entered those Gates and heard “Well done, my good and faithful servant.” And now without pain he gets to fill God’s beautiful presence every second. He drinks from sweeter waters and walks on higher hills. He made it.

God knew that I would stumble and that I would fall. He also knew that I would quickly learn what leaning on Him really looked like. He allowed satan to test me believing that I would not fail. He knew that no matter how painful the journey, that I would praise him still. God is near to the crushed in spirit, and I am crushed. Losing Isaiah has opened my eyes to the spiritual realm. I feel as if my sunglasses have been removed. I understand what, why and how this happened. Does that mean it sits well in my flesh and spirit? Hell no. Will I keep going no matter? Hell yes.

God has called us to love Him above all others. God has called us to go to Him for our source of strength, for guidance, for peace and for unconditional love. Isaiah’s death is a perfect example of why we should not place our existence in the hands of worldly things or human beings. They are temporary things and one day they will all pass away.

We must go through many hardships to enter the Kingdom of God. Acts 14:22

“One sees great things from the valley; only small things from the peak.” G.K. Chesterson.