Just Moments…

Is this room getting smaller? Are there more people here? They will never understand the pain I feel. It isn’t them, it is me. I just need a break. I need to run away. Maybe if I shut off my phone, and go get a hotel then I could find some peace. I wish they would understand that I just need to talk to God. They can’t help me, no matter how hard they try. Not because I am beyond help but because what I need only God can give.

All these things I am writing are my real feelings. I am able to find happy moments in the day but they are just that, moments.

New Years Eve the pain became unbearable. It took everything I had in me to crack a smile. All the faces of my family and friends were looking to me to offer them some hope, just smile Erin, show them God’s love. Show them that you remain faithful to the Father even in these trying times. I had nothing. I wasn’t happy. I wanted to be home in peace, where I could focus on the father and allow him to help me through the mental breakdown I was experiencing.

Just Moments…

If there is anything I have learned through this time is that not everyone has my best interest at heart, or they do, but they do not know what is best for me. They will encourage me to get out, stay longer and push further than my heart is able to go. Insisting that it is not healthy to be alone. That is because they do not understand that I am not alone. I am with God. Isolation is necessary.

Matthew 6:6 But when you pray, go way by yourself, shut the door behind you, and pray to your Father in private. Then your Father, who sees everything, will reward you.

Since Isaiah passed away my default setting reads “sure, I can do that.”. if I was being honest my setting would read ” I can barely handle my own crap today.” Sounds harsh right? But, it is the truth. I found myself living to please others. I would tell myself that I must be an example of God’s love at all times, that means smiling, happy, and available. I am learning that I am not God, and it is okay to be sad, and unavailable. God cried, God got angry. These feelings are normal and acceptable, it is what I do with those feelings that can allow sin to creep in.

This past year was spent trying to save the world. I know that I know that God did not give me the okay to do so. God is screaming that they are his children and that he cares for them and he loves them. He has got this covered. I have no control over a person and their actions. I cannot make them love I mean truly love God, themselves or me. Just like no one was able to free of my addiction 6 years ago, only God and I could have accomplished that.

Just Moments…

I have to be very careful and use discernment during this time. While it is good to be alone at times, and it is good to let go. I am still called to care, and to love. There is a very fine line between setting healthy boundaries and cutting someone out of your life. At first, I allowed satan to tell me to walk away from everyone and everything. Everything God was saying he was manipulating into something unhealthy. I was alone and hurting so satan jumped on the opportunity to speak into my life. I am going to go off on a little tangent and say we give satan too much credit. Sometimes satan doesn’t even have to work that hard, we do a lot of the work for him. I’m going to challenge myself today to not help Satan ruin me.

In order to allow God to work I have to completely surrender all that I have. Not just once, I have to agree to surrender over and over. I have to surrender everything, my will, my desires, my strengths, my weaknesses, my family, my everything.

If you feel at all convicted by this I would recommend you get on your knees and ask GOd to show you where to go from here. My prayer for us tonight is thy he would guide us, use us, fill us and change us from the inside out.